Welcome!

Posted on by Cowtlas

Hello cow lovers! Beef Master here! Number 1 reporter here in Moo York! Our top story is;

Cows, How To Be A Cannibal And Skinny At The Same Time: Now many of you are evil psychotic cow eating monsters, and some of you are saying you’re fat. Now you mosolikely are NOT fat because the typical human doesn’t consume enough McDonalds to grow really fat. But you’re still on a guilt trip. So wanna eat psychotically and good at the same time? Try this beef to be beautiful! Scotl’nd! Bloody amazing ain’t it? Sorry if you were offended by my accent, but I know some who definitely was. Meet the highlands cow! I can’t get you a picture, but if you saw one you would suffocate it with hugs and, your mine nows! This things my favorite cow, am I right fellas? Wink wink. Wait did I say it out loud? Never mind that, this thing has a lot less fat. But looks like my time is up or my boss just is silently mouthing my time was up half an hour ago for no reason. So recap: Scotland Highland is healthy cow a to eat. Later guys!

Dino-Mite! 2

Posted on by Cowtlas

Hello everyone, BeefMaster here, And its time for some pretty epic Dino action! So without further adue, lets begin!

Scene 2 Tauruzan

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” Tauruzan half shouted/half screamed. The… the… the… he wasn’t sure what it was to be honest, but it wasn’t good, he knew that… maybe he knew that. Anyway, it was coming closer to him! Then he got stuck on a branch… He tried to free himself but it was no use… The thing was coming closer, and closer, and closer, The he heard it, the call of a… A… A BLOODTHIRSTY SLOTH! “Raaarrrghhhh!” He screamed as he fell to the forest floor, But he couldn’t help thinking that he could have tamed that mighty beast as he did so.

Ok everyone, you know the drill, look out for Scene 3, and as always, later guys!

Dino-Mite!

Posted on by Cowtlas

Hello everyone! BeefMaster here, and i just want to remind you the NSA is always watching… Anyway, DINO TIME!
DUNH NUNH A NUNH NA DUNH A DUNH WOOOH! So let’s grab our sodas, find our remotes, and ACTION!

Scene 1 The Cows

Moolicks ran through the jungle. Faster, faster, faster, a voice in his head kept saying, but he knew he had no chance, he jumped into the brush, and they ran right past him. Suddenly they stopped. The alpha male raised his neck, and, and, NO, NO, IT’S TOO HORRIBLE! HE LET OUT AN ADORABLE SQUEAK! DUNH DUNH DUNHHHH!
The alpha guinea pig ran straight to his bush! Then he made a more hostile sound, and growled, as all the pigs circled the bush, Moolicks’ time was running out….

Well everyone, look out for scene two! And as always, later guys!

Cows, Cows, And Cows,

Posted on by Cowtlas

Hello everyone, Beefmaster here, and I’ve arrived in Canada! The trek was long, but were finally here!
So, so far we haven’t seen cows, but as you all know, cow spotters don’t give up! So heres some entertainment for those that don’t care about my real life whatsoever, and those who are just bored!

Dinosaurs. They died. Its a fact. But did you think about the cows that lived then, among the dinos?
Oh… cows didn’t live back then? Well up yours buddy! I’m the reporter, I decide when cows lived or not, or if the news is right or wrong! WE CLEAR? I THOUGHT SO. NOW LETS CARRY ON LOYAL AND NOT EVIL VIEWERS. I MEAN SERIOUSLY, SINCE WHEN DOES THE NEWS TELL THE TRUTH? Oh. Just edit that part out. Wait were live? Um… I was just joking loyal and not evil viewers? Yeah, that sounds semi-possible… NO WE WILL NOT CUT THE SHOW, THE SHOW MUST GO ON! Ahem, where was I? Oh yes, Lets begin, NEXT TIME! WOAAHHHH CLIFFHANGER! WILL I REMEMBER OR NOT! STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT!

Do you like shampoo? how about ads? you can get both right here! Just call 234-181-798 to get your shampoo today! maycausehairloss,blindness,cancer,orverypainfuldeath

Road Trip!

Posted on by Cowtlas

Road, Road, Road, Road, Road
When I’m on the Road, I see stuff going by. When I’m on the road,
Road, with a bug in my eye! Road, Road, Road
When I’m on the road,
Looks like clear skies ahead.
When I’m on the road,
Please stop touching my head.
Lets all sing the road song
[Clap, clap.]
I want to sing it all day long.
Lets all sing the road song [Clap, clap.]
Lets all sing… alooooooooooooooooooooooong! Road, Road, Roaddddddddd!

From MetroLyrics

Hello everyone! I’m going to Canada! There will be highs and lows, storms and suns, and of course, lots and lots of cows! I’m on the lookout for loyal fan applications to become part time posters once again! Send in pictures of the elusive Quebec Cow, or Canadian Cow! These bad boys inhabit Canada, especially Quebec! So, as always, later guys!

Posts, The Post Of All Posts With Only This Post At The Moment But Whatever

Posted on by Cowtlas

Hello everyone, BeefMaster here, and time for a Police Brutality Story! (P.S. BASED OF A REAL COW ESCAPING, RUNNING AWAY AND BEING SHOT AT THE IRONIC LOCATION)

“Al Most There!” “Boom!” Moola said, as he escaped out of his cage. And he ran, and ran, and ran, all the way to Mcdonalds… a gun shot echoed through the air and Moola fell to the ground… later that day, the cows rebelled, mooing as loud as possible, mourning there fallen brother, who died that day…

Any way looks like were out of paper, so i guess this is

THE END

Post!

Posted on by Cowtlas

Hey, guys! Sorry I haven’t been posting, but I’m working on my coding skills!
Anyway, here’s a, QUICK QUACK NEWS FLASH!(Duck/Cow incidents)

“When the duck eats, the cow eats.”

Translation: Lorsque le canard mange, la vache mange. Boom! French!

For more info, check out this sick, mutilated video, that you should all click dislike, and beat the 661 idiots, murderers, animal abusers, and ducks not very smart, thinking its a memorial. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saOOn2G16gE

Reach in a Cow, and Do What You Got To Do…

Posted on by mootinous

First, allow me to thank our supreme leader, Beef Master, for the invitation to help administer the Moo York Times! It is a privilege and honor. With great power comes great responsibility, and I promise to abuse that responsibility!

Now… on to business. While the Beef Master and Udderly Impossible were busy fawning over our cute, enslaved brethren at a local dairy farm last week. I was conducting some much needed recon and paying special attention to how cows are used to fuel us and our economy. If there’s money to be had, man will find a way to have it. Now, it appears that some cow scientists are taking this to a whole new level with a process called Embryo Transfer (ET).

Embryo Transfer (ET) is the process by which embryos from show cows – the best of the best – are… you guessed it… transferred to other surrogate cows. These poor surrogate cows go through the drudgery of pregnancy, so the prima donna show cows don’t have to, and they can stay busy doing what they do – looking glamorous!

Perhaps more importantly, if we consider that a cow can typically carry one embryo at a time, we realize that we may be waiting a long time for the world to be populated with these elite specimen. Enter the magic of “hormone therapy.” A little injection, yadda yadda yadda, and we’ve got cows that can carry upwards of 80 to 90 embryos! These embryos are “extracted” and shipped off to unsuspecting cows all across the world. Domestically, the new born calves are typically used as the matriarchs and patriarchs for new stock. Abroad, these calves are coveted because over a century of intelligent design has resulted in American cows being the top dairy and beef producers in the world.

 “It seems so routine to me now — when you just reach in a cow and do what you got to do,” Pugh chuckles. “And she’s kind of an old pro. She just walked in here and stood.” – Dr. Michael Pugh, Westwood Embryo Services

So, the next time you catch a glimmer of an exquisite cow out of the corner of your eye, you may think twice about how he or she came to be.

To find out more, read: America’s Elite Cows Don’t Give Birth…